Anxiety and Me.

Fear is a friend.
He is a guide. To hold you back, to save you.
He wards off pride and recklessness.
That's what Fear told me when we met all those years ago.
And I believed him.

I feel his soft hand in mine, whispering caution.
Keeping me from danger.
I'm grateful to him.
So when he starts whispering to me about the looks people give me,
about the times I mess up, and how the love I get rests on how I do,
I don't notice the evil gleam in his eyes, I just believe him.
And I don't even realize I'm scared.

Fear's whispers grow stronger and more constant.
Every action analyzed and twisted into the end of the world.
He's shouting now, and taunting
"What plans can God have for a coward?"
And I believe him.
The faces of people around me are staring and sinister
so I cling to him, because he's the only one I can trust.

He wipes the tears from my eyes,
a grin spreads across his face,
"Do you trust me?" He asks.
I nod.
"Will you follow me forever?"
I swear I will, he smiles.

The kind warning meant to hold me back, to save me
Solidifies into iron shackles
and every time I fail the chains pull tighter against the walls
I try to scream but his grip on my throat is too tight.
and I fall to my knees because he whispers:
"You're weak.  You're worthless. You can't."
And I believe him, because it's easier not to fight.

"I'm your friend." He purrs in my ear
"You're a bird in a cage and there's a cat in the house.
You're safer where you are." And I believe him.
And suddenly the chains feel more like silk than iron.
And the collar on my neck means that someone's watching out for me.
And the view is nice. I watch the world without having to really live in it.
Suddenly remembering I'm a prisoner is hard.

I'll remember, I'll  rebel.
But then the chains are back to iron.
And with terror I see my jailor return.
He laughs at me.
"You'll fail."
And I believe him, because it's easier not to fight.
He say's he'll keep me safe. He says enjoy the view.
I listen. I watch the world spin by without me.
And I don't even realize I'm scared.